Hello Mario,

I believe we met at Myss' Sacred Contracts class. You had a question about creating healthy boundaries. I believe it was a question from a mother and daughter. How do you not give too much or too little. How do we know how to balance this? I had this info written down but have misplaced it.

Thank you,
Jody McNicholas

Hi, Jody,

I'm Cheryl Hughes, a graduate of Mario's Diplomate and Instructor programs. As he is traveling, I will answer the question for the moment. Regarding setting healthy boundaries, the short answer is to balance guilt vs. resentment. If you are giving too much in a relationship, you will resent it, and if you are giving too little, you will feel guilty. Find the middle ground between the two. Additionally, when you are making positive changes in life/self, you are presenting those in your world with a new "dance", and they will have to decide if they are willing to dance the new step with you. Ex: your family has traditionally pressured all to center their social lives around the tribe, and you the upstart want your own life/friends and begin to assert this. Expect them to be reactionary initially, and stick to your commitment to Self. Maybe they will follow your lead and evolve by developing their own interests or beginning to assert themselves in relationships, and relations will generally become healthier. If, on the other hand, they are only hurt/bitter/retaliatory, you must allow them to be disappointed (or whatever they feel). And, in any toxic relationship you have a choice: drop them or keep them. Obviously we usually feel committed to family, or in another situation maybe there is some benefit you receive from contact with the person that outweighs the negative.
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If you opt to maintain the tie, you can use Mario's concept of milligrams (mg) of love. (Per Chapman's The Five Love Languages, people exchange love by physical affection, acts of service, quality time, gifts, and words of affirmation.) About mg of love, some people have difficulty embracing joy and accepting love, and will react adversely if they are overdosed - "let me count the ways" -
the archetypal wounds (shame/abandonment/betrayal), or anger, fear, criticism, etc. Continuing the ex: You are making joyful changes and want to share them with, and offer love to, your family. So you're spending time with them one day, talking about joyful plans you have, giving them some time/love, and after an hour their negativity begins to surface ("Don't try freelance work; you need the security of benefits"). Calmly affirm your position, thereby not accepting theirs ("I've thought this through and it will work") [this is an important point about Mario's archetypal wounds/healing fields: you don't have to just take the hit/allow the wound; assertively communicate "I don't accept that from you"], say your goodbyes, and leave.
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One hour is the mg dosage of joy and love they can handle. After a few encounters you will discern what their tolerance is, and that's what you give them. This way you maintain the tie and you share the amount of joy and love they can handle, all without allowing them to toxify you - that's balanced, and it also meets the criteria for inclusive compassion, which is offering compassion to others including equally yourself.
Change takes time and creates turbulence, for you and those in your world, so be patient with yourself and them. Yet change is worth it, for you and possibly them, too. How often is it that any group is simply colluding comfortable misery - illness, poverty, anger/fear/envy (any of the lower emotions), negativity, helplessness - and it takes only one person breaking the cycle to catalyze others to do the same?
I hope this replaces your notes. I would enjoy discussing any other questions/perspectives you have on this material.
Take action!

Cheryl

Hi Jody,
If you give too much, you feel resentment, and if you give too little you feel guilt. The benign boudary is set when you balance those two emotions.
Good to hear from you.

Mario